Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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