i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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