I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
