This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
