If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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