I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
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