I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
