I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
