and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
