I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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