she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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