i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
