i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
