Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
