you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
