your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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