Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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