So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
