Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
