Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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