I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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