Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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