I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
