got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
