I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
