I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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