I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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