you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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