just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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