But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
