A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
