I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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