dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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