saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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