haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
