Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
