it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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