My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
