in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
