Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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