I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
