I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
