Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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