Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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