I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
