The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
