sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
