WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
