it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
