I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
